So...I have neglected posting anything for the last couple of months. I have been online though, responding and 'zooming' and generally getting sick of my mac butterfly keyboard. My keyboard is getting so worn out and I don't even have long nails to chip away the keys. I think though that N and T are the most used letters is the English alphabet considering those letters are nearly indistinguishable on my keyboard. Of course, now that my warranty is probably expired, I didn't realize the long range effect on my keyboard that pounding on it almost incessantly during Covid19 isolation with work at home would have.
I always wonder if I have anything of value to share and usually have passed because my fingers were worn out and I needed to get outside the house and stretch and tend to my garden. Gardening and then more gardening. Chasing the pesky squirrels away from pulling up my impatiens and eating my gorgeous sunflowers. Oh the trials and tribulations of living in suburbia while pretending it's the country. Well, as a former city dweller, it is. Everyone here seems to drive everywhere as opposed to my living in the city where I walked faster than cabs could get me there... so walking was a constant...and healthy!
I have once again decided to figure out now living in the suburbs, I would not have to be a nurse again. Especially one who runs around all day and then worries about her patients at night. That life took a lot out of me both emotionally and physically. At least I never really had to exercise with all my very active ambulatory work.
Hence, here I am in suburbia and I've decided that the years of my keeping my herbs, stones, and massage table in the closet are over. I will be taking them out again in full view and setting up shop for myself. My own recovery, my own inquiry, and deepening my connection with my higher power will allow me to heal places I have forgotten I had to heal. I am taking more care of me after years of telling others to do so. Yes, of course I have done some self care out of necessity, but now I have finally come to the rather obvious realization that my own well being is paramount. I have been taking risks and listening to my muse who keeps hounding my ears. There are still so many things I want to do.
I will do some self care, spreading the word that spiritual recovery should not ever be a dirty word. We are all entitled to be happy, joyous and free not matter how we perceive the "God" of our understanding. Yes, I am one of those people who would say Goddess of my understanding at times just to get the idea into folks heads that I can choose whatever and whoever I want to be my higher power. After all, I have worshipped and even adored some severely unworthy men in my life, placing their needs first. I had convinced myself that these men were going to make my life better and that they were superior and smarter than I. Because I naively fell for it, I, while biting my lip should admit that sometimes maybe they were. That is actually a form of addiction in itself, but I really just want to talk about the 'light' side of things... no longer the dark side.
Don't get me wrong, I loved those mysterious late night hours filled with music, strange places, and stranger people. Years later though, I realize now that I could have gotten myself killed many times and somehow escaped blissfully unawares and relatively unscathed. As a new person in recovery, quitting smoking and addictions of a few things, I literally resembled a deer caught in the headlights. I found the journey difficult because I felt somehow I didn't belong in a 12 step program.
You had that GOD thing up there. But then you had that 3rd tradition... a desire to stop! Wow... that was me! To my surprise it was the one clause that made me think that maybe a program like this 12 step one could work...for me. All that was required was a desire to STOP____You fill in the blank. I think that at last count there were 125 different programs in NYC alone that were 12 step programs.
You get the idea..alcohol, narcotics, gambling, sex addiction, eating, shopping...pick your poison. The journey has been a twisty, winding road with so many diverse options involving my spirituality. This has to be my favorite topic of all time. What a variety and how many different ways to become closer. I can amuse and at times actually make an effort and get results! How to live that way and be able to sample the juicy parts of life by just making healthy choices. Choices that won't kill me and can eventually lead me to experience amazing adventures that I'd never thought possible...and I will even remember them this time. To be in awe and to feel fully present is quite an experience within itself.
I have once again journeyed to a volcanic island and am being respectful of Pelé. I am in that place again with my feet on the earth. I feel the silent ceremony bubbling up within as I walk on the beach in some of the most deepening communion with the earth and its sheltering sky above. To be in this beautiful blue pearl of a planet is truly a gift. Strange how sometimes it takes so long to appreciate it. I hope in this next phase I can help others to explore their own creativity which lives inside them. I hope to be able to assist folks in setting their own stage. I have listened and acquired but still remain a beginner in life... I may just have a few more hours put in doing it. I may not be offering a quick fix, but I do offer support for anyone to achieve what it is they want.
What is it you want?
What do you want to let go of?
Just keep exploring and if you need help there is a hand reaching out, extended to you. You just have to make the effort.
So call that number. If you are struggling or know someone who is... call. Don't be alone with thoughts that can hurt you. I say reach out! Many people struggle during the holidays... don't you be one...and alone.
May you feel blessed and know that you are perfect.
"Be the person you needed when you were going through tough times."
i
In case of emergency- 1-800-273-8255 (National Suicide Hotline) or you can book a free
mini consultation with me.